Tag Archives: suicide

To Zeus. Please Don’t Go.

I have grief.

My friend lost his life

which hung him by his neck

I forgive the ones

who say it was for show

I forgive myself

for not being more alert

(I’m punished enough)

What dare I say

to answer any who didn’t know him

who would say it wasn’t justified

To defend him now

and now

and now

will become my greatest cause

I can’t imagine

life without him.

But it can imagine me.

I write this to him

as I miss him every moment

I might possibly have laughed

or been encouraged

or held tightly as we caught

each other’s tears.

Supernatural currents

obscured his necessity

from registering sufficiently

with my spirit.

He had cursed God

(hasn’t every saint)

but he trusted me.

Nothing now

for myself to do

but learn,

and mourn,

and make a difference

before it’s too late

for the rest of us.

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Your stories of Loss in 2013

  • I would like to know of other people who witnessed people they cared about lose everything they had this year, and/ or killed themselves.
  • I wouldn’t need to know any details about the situations or the emotions associated with these losses, although all comments would be welcomed. 
  • I’m trying in my own life to keep a positive outlook, while accepting reality so I can continue to adapt to it. I often fail to do so. And the flow of consequences for failure can seem unforgiving at times. I’m struggling within trials which are proving to me that one must cling to life or lose it. 
  • Because even though I believe we are all connected (like an ant hill,) our human brains confuse as much as they instruct. As soon as we think someone will save us when we most need it, we’re apt to find ourselves misguided. Therefore, we must always cling to survival, be beggars if necessary, as well as choosers, and not allow ourselves to believe our minds cannot devise a backup plan.
  • This year, I witnessed one friend lose everything, but live. In some ways, he’s doing ok now. He has a roof over his head, but he doesn’t understand what happened to him. He remembers his home, but not how or why he lost it; in fact, I don’t think he yet understands that he did lose it.
  • This year, I also witnessed one friend who had good health and a wealth of talent kill himself. I have promised to write more about this person. I’m really still in the denial phase about his death, but part of that denial seems to be because he is so alive in my heart. I am willing to stay in denial forever. Past tense does not honor him enough.
  • I’m going to put plenty of tags on this post to encourage feedback.
  • Please leave your stories of the losses you have witnessed, or experienced yourself if that is the case. You do not have to specify that something was your own loss instead of a friend’s. 
  • Many people who have access to internet are better off than most people. I would also like to know if the people who suffered loss of life or all possessions had internet access.
  • I ask that the stories be things that have culminated during this year 2013.

October 11, 2013

I’ve been without internet.

This time since I last posted has been so emotionally and spiritually significant to me that I’m actually more concerned that I can’t do it justice in writing, than I am timid to write about it (which is my usual disposition).

As I try to write,  my chest feels heavy, I so wish to stay true to the theme of my blog, and my life events having stayed so concentrated along that very theme, I hesitate to introduce the stories until I know I can present them in a way that expresses what serious matters they represent to my life.

At this moment, this very timeless instant, I think I may feel what some may feel when say they are “called’ to ministry.  But I don’t want you, my precious, priceless readers to make too much of that particular statement. I think since this instant occurred while I was writing my blog, it’s probably mostly my heart adjusting to being at the keyboard again–and not some divine intervention.

Nevertheless, the inner me is undergoing serious transformations which began a couple months ago.

There is one thing I need to tell you outright. I have no idea what it means other than it’s important, and very important things must come of it. A little over a month ago, someone who should have been a beloved and famous star on this earth killed himself.

I also look forward to posting a few notes and photos (of my life events) in the next few days. I think this blog may become a bigger part of my own transformation. I hope it does. If it does, it will be a reflection of growing courage, love, and confidence within me.

Don’t ask why, ask why not…loneliness, that is

This post will likely slip through the cracks of blog-iety, the same way too many lost souls also slip away. By the way, my heart grieved horribly for the loss of Aaron Swartz who was peculiar in that he died (I believe) a martyr. Very peculiar, especially in the USA. This post is dedicated to all the beautiful people I love, but can’t touch.  Simon and Garfunkel, “A Most Peculiar Man”

To everything under the sun, there is a season…I imagine a seed aches during winter…cries out to be eaten by anything that already belongs. This next link is to a Donovan rendition of a poem by WB Yeats, “Song of the Wandering Aengus.” According to Wikipoedia, Aengus was probably an Old Irish god of love, youth, and inspiration. I’ll post the poem beneath the link.

I WENT out to the hazel wood,
Because a fire was in my head,
And cut and peeled a hazel wand,
And hooked a berry to a thread;
And when white moths were on the wing,          5
And moth-like stars were flickering out,
I dropped the berry in a stream
And caught a little silver trout.
When I had laid it on the floor
I went to blow the fire a-flame,   10
But something rustled on the floor,
And someone called me by my name:
It had become a glimmering girl
With apple blossom in her hair
Who called me by my name and ran   15
And faded through the brightening air.
Though I am old with wandering
Through hollow lands and hilly lands,
I will find out where she has gone,
And kiss her lips and take her hands;   20
And walk among long dappled grass,
And pluck till time and times are done,
The silver apples of the moon,
The golden apples of the sun.