For my most recent post, I created a new category “Self-esteem” because I offhandedly acknowledged that I needed to improve myself in order to feel better about myself. I felt sure I had a category already established under which to nest Self-esteem. The category “Conscience” stood out among the others.
Choosing to partner these two concepts brings this to light, something I may have hidden from myself the past couple years; depression lowers ones self-esteem. This may seem to be an unremarkable revelation, and you may wonder why “Conscience” triggered this awareness.
As a Psychology student, some years ago, I felt that self-esteem was a useless term for research or clinical purposes. Tonight, I realize that I am compelled to measure and increase it in my own life.
My conscience is something I’ve almost always been able to feel good about. But, as I was nesting self-esteem within conscience, I wondered how highly I actually esteem my conscience at this time.
We needn’t doubt that life’s stresses and challenges can weaken us morally. When I say “morally,” I mean it as defined by ones personal, individual standards (which ought to be very high, as far as the eye can see, as far as I’m concerned, but for this note, I’m speaking of the private conscience.)
Maybe lowered self-esteem has made me second-guess myself. Sometimes, it feels as though I have too much confidence, which I think is an even more painful symptom. These are possible parts of a theory — I would never have thought could be proven (to me).
As these concepts met in my mind, the task at hand was choosing which to be parent and which to be child. Which came first, the conscience or the self-esteem. I never knew what self-esteem was until I began to lose it. Now, that I can feel the abstract meaning of it, I can appreciate the importance of helping certain people come to terms with it.
As the blog’s first year stretches long, I recall its title and purpose: Seeking My Conscience. If I make any breakthroughs, you’ll be the first to know.