April 12, Diary Entry. Subject: Fear

Someone dear to me has suggested to me that I consider times when my emotions are out of control. I suggested back to him that he to go to hell–but that’s beside the point.

(I’m not really feeling funny —  but, I hope you appreciate that I do the work to try to keep my sense of humor.)

Anxiety has always been a tremendous burden in my life. Phobias, Obsessive/Compulsive Disorders, as well as major avoidance issues about things other people deal with as a matter of day-to-day living have nagged at me always. I have had to accept them as part of who I am in order to manage them in the same way you think of someone with split personalities getting better by gently becoming aware of them and trying to meld them into something better suited to functioning in society, and thereby surviving as a whole human being.

It may seem odd, but I do not consider myself to be a fraidy-cat in spire of my phobias and such, or in spite of some of the choices I’ve made in life that were based upon my upbringing, which had engendered the fears in the first place. People who have met me express wonder that I haven’t done more with my life. I come across as someone who has had the wherewithal and aptitude to be more successful.

If I told them about my life, they still wouldn’t get it, but that is ok. It has taught me not to judge people whom I don’t “get”.

 

My biggest fear was that by not facing my fears, I would become someone else. This was when I was about twenty. Looking back, it might have merely been my innocent attempt to rationalize my fear while justifying their debilitating effects in my life. But, that became my credo, facing fear.

As it turns out, as the story of my life unfolded, I discovered that in order to resolve the original fears, I had to untangle finer threads of fear that reached into so many thoughts of any given day. As the years wore on, scary things presented themselves which I had to carefully delineate as being separate though similar to fearsome issues of my past.

Sad to say, I have yet to triumph over fear. I’ve lost major battles. But, being who I am has become enough for this lifetime.

As for my Dear One and his point about my lack of emotional control–well, I’ll have to think on that some other time.  To anyone who read this far. Thank you for your interest.

 

 

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