First Friday 2013

My first attempts to conquer negativity involved diligent ignorance– ignoring intrusive thoughts in hope that they would go away.That strategy failed not too long after I posted here yesterday. I have a good friend who kept check on me by phone, prescribed Patsy Cline, and faithfully nudged me to overcome the clammy pit of despair into which I was slipping. Without him, I don’t know where my mind would have gone–limitations so discouraging that a shot to the head would seem more optimistic than tranquilizers.

Paying my bills today excited my lifelong floating anxiety–phobia, if you will– for writing bills. In some ways, I feel I’m living in a closet. It distresses me to validate my existence in society.

Maybe I have ever been so negative in my life. The past seven years have proven my own failings in very significant ways, and yet, I think my positive metamorphosis will come by stepping away from self-blame to honor the aspects of my tragedies which speak to fragile concepts like virtue, empathy and dignity for one individual alongside another.

I have to be grateful for people I have known. It has always been hard for me to get to know many at a given time. When I make a new friend, worlds seem to open up to explore, even thought too often, my friends have physical or emotional aversions to adventure. Still I am most often revealed, even to myself, in the presence of others.Antennae activate. I engage. I learn myself again through the meeting of minds. At any rate, if I manage to gain a healthy perspective, it is worth any exercise to achieve.

Sometimes, someone mysterious comes along…perhaps a vampire…or a narcissist. For that matter, Exorcism might be worth a try as well.


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